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Salma Hayek gets hitchedavatar

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The writer with Salma Hayek a dozen years ago.

The writer with Salma Hayek a dozen years ago.


to Salma Hayek, who married French gazillionaire Francois-Henri Pinault on Valentine’s Day in Paris. I guess the Mexican defeat of the French on Cinco de Mayo is now meaningless. To the loser goes the spoils.






I’m not crying ¡injusto! about the marriage … after all, I’m a happily married man with my own princess en mi casa. In all my years of Salmatelic (the study of all things Salma) has turned out various facts like:

1)     Her beauty inspired the song ‘Sueño con Salma’ by Banda Pachuco in 2000;

2)     She pitched Lincoln Navigators in Spanish-language ads and spurred a 12 percent increase in purchases by Latinos;

3)     Her portrayal of Mexican icon Frida Kahlo led to a revival of the Mexican artists’ work and led to an Oscar nomination for Salma.

Now, if you’re a single Latino male (me excluded, obviously) you would think that Salma would find herself a nice Latino man to settle down with. Someone with the refinement of a Ricardo Montalbán, the spirit of an Antonio Banderas, the wit of a George López, the physique of a Mario López, the loyalty of Raider Nation, the grace of a Cristián de la Fuente, the spirit of a Gael García Bernal, and the leadership of a Pancho Villa. Hell, this describes every single Latino man out there between 18 and 98 years of age!

Now that Ms. Salma has tied the knot, I got to thinking about all the other Latina actresses/singers/entertainers out there who have broken the barrier for Latinas to pick non-Latinos as their mates. It’s not that I’m against them following their hearts, but dios mío, why do their corazones have to take them away from us!!!

To borrow a phrase from Jerry Seinfeld, they are picking from the wrong team!

Several years ago, before she hit it really big with ‘Desperate Housewives,’ I asked actress Eva Longoria to describe her perfect companion. “Latino, latino, latino,” she smiled. Then, she turns around and marries Tony Parker. What is it with these French hommes (not to be confused with hommies)!

Eva is not the only one.

Mexican singer Thalía is married to record executive Tommy Mottola, who was married to Mariah Carey (whose father is Afro-Venezuelan) and who in turn has married Nick Cannon (not a very Latino-sounding man).

Mexican-American actress Jessica Alba has been known to talk fondly of her ethnicity during childhood, but she throws that out the window and winds up with Cash Warren. They marry. They have a little hija.

Rosario Dawson, who is Puerto Rican and Cuban descent, dated some guy from ‘Sex and the City.’ Last December, she admitted on ‘The Tonight Show’ that she was dating DJ French, alias Matthieu Schreyer. (This is enough to spur a boycott of French fries, French toast, French pastries … What! Bill O’Reilly already has such a boycott!!)

For you single Latino males out there, my advise is to move to Francia.

Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera at the ALMA Awards.


Thalia at Latin Billboard Awards.

Thalia at Latin Billboard Awards.

Eva Longoria at benefit softball game.

Eva Longoria at benefit softball game.

Written by Juan Esparaza

February 17th, 2009 at 4:11 pm

2 Responses to 'Salma Hayek gets hitched'

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  1. Feel sorry, Sr. Esparza and buena suerte in our next life. Hopefully we become French Hommes, asi podemos levantar todas esas fresas latinas.



    18 Feb 09 at 8:11 am

  2. Cuanto lo siento! You make great points, but personally, I would find it difficult to marry a man who didn’t trully understand the meaning of “te amo” or why everytime I listen to “Tragos amargos,” or any song by Chente I want to take a shot of tequila. But then again…if I had the CEO of PPR propose to me, I may just sing “De que manera te olvido” to every latino man I’ve ever met and say “oui” to the marriage proposal. Ummmmm….why does this song come to mind all of a sudden: “Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger (When I’m in need)
    But she ain’t messin’ wit no broke &^%$#$ (She steal me money)”


    Irene Rodriguez

    18 Feb 09 at 11:56 am

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